Some time ago I got a call from a friend who was in emotional distress about the failure of her relationship with a man she had chosen to have a child with.
Nothing was planned and nothing had gone has she had hoped and while in the midst of living the life she had not expected, she was questioning how someone she loved so much could treat her so badly. Her mood and way of being had become angry, neurotic in fact and she was pushing away the love that was truly authentic in her life.
She thought for sure that she would not recover. I thought for sure that she could if not for her own sake, for the sake of her toddler daughter.
Who of us has not felt the sting of unrequited love? Be it when we were just seven years old and so adored that young schoolmate who probably never treated us kindly, but in spite of it all each time we were suckers for punishment and we still wanted to play on their team, sit next to them at lunch, work on the art project with them.
We have all had a yearning for acceptance in one form or the other. When we do not see, feel or experience that mutual yearning for us to come or remain in another person's life we feel rejected. We are confused. We get angry and feel betrayed. We blame it all on them; the break up is all because they won't take what we have to give.
"Where oh where will I put all this love that I have to give?" is the racing scream of our heart and minds. It is as bad as any addiction that we could have.
We claim to have this great love that has been rejected and we run about mad or depressed and often creating depression and a bad impression on everyone else around us with the hot coals of love that we must have accepted in our arms and expecting him or her to take it. I say if the love you have is too much to hold on to for yourself ...why then should he, she or anyone want it.
Perhaps we would have been spared as adults this feeling of rejection if we had taken the lessons from our youth. The lessons were telling us that there was nothing to learn from coupling with that one we had chosen. Perhaps when we did get to play or sit with them we soon discovered that they would act like we were not there and so the learning is still that there is nothing here for you. And has we move on from childhood and adolescence we forget the names and faces of the he/she that did us so wrong. We enter new and higher grades and realize that there is a big world of schooling to be had, activities and clubs to serve our special interests.
So unrequited love happens and relationships of all kinds allow for this dynamic. When you get something out of it, what are you to do? Hold steadfast to the greatest thing that could happen for you with someone that does not need you to survive.
Love your results. I told my friend to love her results and not the trials that lead her there. Let go of the past and forgive. It's like my grandmother used to say...
" Focus on the blessings." The blessing is not always of our design ..that is why it is a blessing. How we are enlightened and made more aware by the experience and what we learn to do and not do is the blessing. In the case of my friend that blessing is their daughter.
I leveraged the fact that she believes in a higher spirit and asked her if the relationship was of service and value to what she believed that God dreams for her. She was silent and that spoke multitudes.
When we are in the midst of confusion about a relationship gone wrong and where we are not getting what we "expected," the only question is ..." Does this look or feel like God's dream for me?" I then explained to her a few more things. These are 12 solid steps towards releasing one's self and getting on a higher plain. I have in my own time come to understand them and asked her to allow these truths to be catalyst to living her own.
1. The way that something begins tells you a lot about each participants intentions.
2. If you see only your past you will miss out on now and the future is not an option.
3. When someone shows us who they are our obligation is to believe them and not try to change them.
4. When you couple with someone in search of joy as opposed to putting joy into their life you are mixing a formula for disaster.
5.Forgiveness is not something that you give to another person. It is something that you give to yourself.
6. If the person you are romantically coupled with is not one of your top three joyful interactions you would do well to move on.
7. Honesty breathes life into every experience.
8. If you co-sign on wrongdoing of one to another you are sending the message to the compliant universe that you want wrongdoing to be multiplied unto you.
9. One who does not easily couple with your mind and spirit is likely only interested in the use of your body and the material aspects of you.
10. When you have great self love it attracts those who house that as part of their being as well.
11. Fill you empty spaces of time without with peaceful acts. Meditation, prayer, exercise, volunteer work, reading something uplifting, etc.
12. Acknowledge your need to be healed and suspend your desire to be angry.
Have a listen to my voice blog where I talk a little bit more on this subject.
Grace,
- Adrienne
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