Women's History Month and Self Esteem

This is for the many multifaceted women of the world...Is there a better creation than us really?
I often wonder, but I also wonder about what some of us lack. No better time to talk about us women than this March (2009) and onward when we observe, Women's History Month.

So I decided to talk about a really big thing.

Self-esteem, it is something that I have wondered if we are born with.

Webster's dictionary defines it as —n. proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character.

I believe that some of us just intuitively have a sense of high worth and dare I say, our divinity.
This thing, self -esteem and respect is more likely a result of nurture than nature though. However, when I see the dainty ways, confidence and energy of some baby girls that I know ..I do have to wonder if it is actually inborn. My feelings are mixed on that. The idea that being influenced, taught, loved, and collaborating with people who have a strong sense of self respect themselves helps and therefore it is not that far fetched an idea that nurture is a strong driver.

I fully realize that many more people will say that how we are nurtured is what creates a particular level of self respect and that number is likely far greater than those people who will say that its a natural thing that occurs in each of us.

I also believe that many adult women use nurture or lack thereof as an excuse to not shine as they could.

When we are not being better; not being the person that the voice inside us calls us to be,that is when it starts; that is when we begin to lose our self -respect.
When we ignore the voice due to fear, desperation, resistance to spending quality time alone (to surrender to the solitude that life brings so infrequently), that is when we start diminishing our own worth and lessening the self- respect that is truly a part of God's dream for us. It is part of God's desire for us to have the peace of mind that self-respect grants.

We'll see people around us and also perceive the people we interact with to be disregarding and unmoved by us and our needs. It is not likely that they are unmoved as they are probably tired (even of us); just doing all that they can do and they are likely as low in their volume of self-respect for themselves as we are for ourselves. Why then would we push ourselves on them? Because we didn't know or because we didn't know or because we can lessen the opportunity to work on ourselves by forcing our way into their lives and busy ourselves with their stuff. Women are especially guilty of this in their relationships with the opposite sex.

We each have a right, an appointment, a life charge to shine as brilliantly,warmly and as sincerely as the sea ebbs and the sun shines.

How is that?

That is without question and consistently; unrestrained. Self-love and self-respect are the chief entitlements to being great women.

Why aren't some of us doing it?

Some of us likely need help dealing with our truths but because we avoid them ,we are sinking in the consequences of the avoidance . We have the fear of loving and highly regarding ourselves because if we do so you may find ourselves not fitting a particular mold; not having what you think everyone else has, not with that person who really doesn't want us there in their lives in the capacity that we are forcing ourselves to exist in. There is a fear of being ORIGINAL and SINGULAR. Perhaps we never considered that we were avoiding the things needed to assert and embed your self-respect within.
The first of those things is truth. Especially when as a women we say ," I've given everything. "

When my female friends , family members or associates tell me that about a particular dilemma I ask them to add some truth serum to the mix of problems and see what they get. Truth bolsters self-esteem.

In talking with a good friend the other day we wondered what to do to help another friend that told us she was having a really hard time adjusting to the " reality " of the situation of a man that she has been dating. I told her this:

"Somewhere you must have learned that you were not worth something better than what you are getting. Somewhere you learned that no matter what you do you cannot be happy. Find out and reveal to yourself where it is that you learned these vicious lies and confront it. It is most important to not continue to blame it on someone, something that happened; a past event. The only thing you are not getting is what you are not giving. TRUTH. "
She said so much had happened and she had given so much and had so many expectations and that's why she was holding on in a situation that declared " you really aren't wanted here." Never did she voice the truth that something had shifted for the person she was dating and that the results she was dealing with were and obvious result of their mutual consciousness as it related to the relationship and each of them as individuals.

Fact is ladies: Even when you regard a person in your life as being "good"; a solid contributor to your good, but declare your current difficulties or digressions in the now because they are no longer around.. due to some separation, divorce, death, or a limited season ..you are actually being disrespectful to them, diminishing the value of their contribution to your betterment and not acknowledging that that person's consciousness has influence over what occurs. You are in turn disrespecting yourself. Onto him is me.

The relationships that came before the circumstance that you are in are being voided when you do that. So the statements and declarations of " If my _________was still here and /or "if I was still with _______ " is a bad and tacky thing thing for you to do. What has passed... has passed; you build self- respect by managing to the good that was afforded you but not by reminiscing how much better you believed yourself to be back then or by blaming a third party. Self -respect requires honoring your past, living the truth of your today and having bravery and great belief in a magnificent tomorrow.

Does this come easy? NO! Especially if you feel like you are building from scratch. But self respect says this: " My Design by my GOD, Co-sponsored by TRUTH and SELF - RESPECT! I'm Divine, Fully Appointed"

The absence of self- respect has a pattern and often times it becomes the plight of a many women because we are not necessarily brave and/or fearless enough to say just that, "ENOUGH!"

Here are some signs of the pattern that indicates a very low level of self respect:

-Denial that you have a problem that can be dramatically improved upon.
- Thinking material ointments, ( gifts, trips, dates, etc) will make the situation better or increase your worth to someone.
-Repeatedly ignoring a person telling you by voice, behavior or action that you do not have high value in their life.
-Relationships that are based on filling time rather than enjoying the time together. STILLNESS SPEAKS!
-Obsessions with " things" that are a mask for " I'm a success."
-Repeatedly rushing into situations with reckless abandon and having nothing but regrets and excuses thereafter.
-Doing careless things without considering the long-term impact it could have on you and others.
-Feigning friendships with and interest in people who you are not well aligned with you in order to keep a notion of belonging, companionship with the person you are dating.
-Claiming to have specific personal values/morals and exhibiting behaviors; engaging in relationships that do not serve or answer to your true values.
-Resisting and ignoring the voice that says " this is wrong for you."
- A cycle of destructive, manipulative, abusive relationships that you continue and will complain about constantly, but do nothing to get up and out of.
-Filling your body with and overflow of alcohol, medication, and assorted vices and allowing assorted malpractices being done onto you ( verbal, emotional, physical abuse) to numb you from dealing with your current reality.

One of the most difficult things for us to do is look at our own behavior as adult women and admit that we are not giving to our lives what we are asking of it.

Here are some healthy patterns for developing and gaining a greater deal of self -respect

- Want someone to dedicate themselves to you? Become self dedicated.
- Want intimacy? Close your legs and open your mind and connect the spirit first. Do a bit of self reflection
- Want a better body? Cleanse first your spirit. Redefine better as first being healthy and absent of disease and then love the one your in and partake in a little thing called exercise and see what happens.
-Want peace? Mute and kill the racism, sexism, denial hate, resentment and the jealousy that you have towards others and avoid dating anyone who exhibits those traits

-Want to stop feeling like you are drowning? Stop pretending that the sea of life you are on has no life boats. This is especially important for the women who live here in the United States. Our resources are bountiful.Get therapy just like you would go get a massage or manicure. It's maintenance and there when you need it. Regard it as that and go get that mind painted and new color.

-You have an emotional heartache? Tell the person that it is linked to truthfully and finally!
There are many ways to do this": you could write a letter, make phone call, message in a bottle( okay not really, but you could) , visit to a gravesite, scream out loud even, pray and decide to forgive their infraction or indiscretion, and if you find that you can't get over it then let them go and get yourself some professional help because forgiveness is a facility ordained for your best self and when you can't find it, you should ask for help. Yes, self-esteem is greatly impacted by our ability to forgive.

-Stop denying that you need help so that you can move on to your true appointment.


Reach for the help that will allow you to bolster the self - respect you need to move towards the future; the one better than today.

My hope now as it is Women's History Month and always is that this serves as an impetus towards greater respect for many women in particular. The Queendom awaits your arrival. When will you assume your seat at the throne?


Please know that you are most likely to get everything wonderful that you desire outside of you if you are truthful and connect the dots inside of you first.

Love, light, RESPECT YOURSELF!

Adrienne Wallace