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Finding the Center - Then and Now

Flashback 1996: 

There was so much going on and there always is.
I woke up. I felt a racing inside. 
It was as if the blood inside of me had congealed and taken on race car status. 
The rush.
I asked myself - 
Is this just coming awake? 
Or is it that thing called anxiety?
Why would I be anxious?
I was dutiful, prayerful ( and now still I am) .
I  was doing this every day. 
It was law school. One of the best in the nation.
Makes me a best too no?
Get up, get washed, rub and oil down. 
Brush and separate.
Push up against the mirror. 
Check my pores. Hot rag. Cold rag. 
Smooth my brows.
Rub the back of my neck.
Smile at myself. 
Check my booty. 
Rise on my toes. 
Stretch my body. 
Dress.
Find my keys
Grab my 15 pound bag of books
I go. 
Day after day ...I went. 
One day ... I stopped. 
Looked at myself. 
Deeper.
From Terence A. Scott's upcoming Stripped



Awakened 1997 to Present day
No that was not the way. 
You see, when this was happening, I realized that the rush to get on with the day was not about the bathroom and getting in and out in 30 minutes or so. 
It was about the grace I needed to be all that I could be for the day. 
Just for the day. 
Where I was going was dictating time beyond my moment. 
I was checking my self in the mirror again.
There are no mirrors when we go inside. 
Mirrors are the egos instrument. 
How could I meditate to be in the moment and then run off to review the past so that I could plot my future?
This was not the way. 
It was not enough for me to pray. 
My prayer was the medium of miracles for everyone but me.
Still is.
Except now I know that as I pray for others I pray for my self. One of one.
So now people say, " You aren't mad/ upset with them?" 
I am not. 
Love at the center knows no anger. 
I live and operate from that center.
Forgiveness is a feature of my spiritual being now.
... For they know not what they do.

Crying does not foreshadow that an infant is new and so too is my approach with people. 
A toddler may submit you to a tantrum, if you withhold a cookie.
In grown folk I see his, her, and their toddler selves.

I needed something more. 
I found it.
Meditation helped me to stop, still, and grow. 
Makes you stop.
Brings the moment into clear view. 
No longer was my value connected to becoming a particular type of professional.
Integrity and self awareness.
Letting go of egoic concern of another person's opinion
of me. 
Understanding that opinions on the outside could rupture the soul tunnel if I was not first less harmful and more loving to me. 
This came. 

Relationships came into full view.
I realized that some pursuits were attempts to use one relationship at the expense or to gain advantage in another and without mutual benefit.
Along flowed emotions of guilt. 
Equally enlightening and more beneficial was the arrival.
The arrival of forgiveness.
It was impossible now to condemn any part of a relationship and find peace with the whole person.
I learned to find peace with all of it and not blame anyone.
I evaluated only my response.
I acknowledged that all cause was not in my control.
Through this, I gifted myself with what the Universe had packaged for me to open at my birth...
Joy. 
This is freedom that meditation affords.
My "now eyes "go outward towards others and I can simply feel the best part of the connection we have.Forges my marriage to the center of my being. 
Sets me free. 
Allows me to honor the source that...
Sets you free.
No expectations.
Sometimes I don't respond. 
I just know something is there and often without definition..that is enough. 
To just be.
Absolute comfort with nothingness and 
Joy in the delivery of truth. 
No anger at what you express as your own. 
Understanding that we each have our own experience. 
Named separate but much the same.
Desire revealed. 
Naked and pure.
Helps me to be whole.
Aids restoration of my soul.
Through act and energy...
Reminds me that our world is safe.

Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this A... yours is a very comforting journey. I think we all can relate.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautifully written and contagiously inspiring! Thank you for starting my day in the now!

    Much Luv
    ~BC~

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are a blessing! Wonderful words:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. This was a great piece and gives even further insight into the woman you are today!!! Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete

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